


Head Paste

by For_That_Cotton_Candy



Category: Lost
Genre: M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 10:42:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8246060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/For_That_Cotton_Candy/pseuds/For_That_Cotton_Candy
Summary: When pressing the button, you've got to kill time somehow.





	

**Title:** Head Paste  
**Fandom:** Lost  
**Pairing:** Jack and Sawyer with very special guest appearances by Hurley, Charlie, Locke, Sayid and Vincent.  
**Warning:** Adults only, language and sexual situations.  
**Spoilers:** Mild ones through ‘The Hunting Party.’

 **Note:** Complete and total crack fic.

***

“Dude. What the hell _is_ this stuff?” Hurley asked before his eyes crossed slightly and he fell off the couch. “Ummmmmmmmmmmm, _ow.”_

“Head paste, I told you,” Charlie muttered distractedly, flipping through the same batch of fifteen records over and over again and with great concentration.

“Head paste. Head paste. Sounds like it could be really really gross or . . . really really _really_ gross.”

“Locke called it somethin’ else, I can’t remember exactly, I just remember he said he smeared it all over Boone’s head. Or somethin’, I can’t remember exactly.”

Hurley’s head popped up over the coffee table and he stared at Charlie, eyes wide. _“Dude!_ I’d wondered if those two were . . . you know . . . _you know?”_

“What? No, I don’t think that’s what he meant, Hurley.”

“Then we are so screwed! Look how Boone ended up, _dead,_ ohmygodyou’vekilledmeI’llneverforgiveyou, stupid Locke Head Paste! _Dead!_ Dead from Head . . . Paste.” Hurley fell back on to the floor and started giggling hysterically.

“Somebody mention ‘head?’”

Charlie looked up and saw Sawyer leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed as he smirked.

“Yeah, Hurley did, he’s awfully immature for a multi-millionaire,” Charlie said and once again catalogued the same stack of records for the twentieth time.

“Dude, if you don’t stop it with that shit I am so gonna pound you I swear and _why_ would Locke give you Head Paste ‘cause you know you’re like an addict or whatever and you probably shouldn’t be eatin’ paste of any kind you know kinda like sniffin’ glue or whatever I wonder if that Libby chick likes golf maybe I’ll take her up to the course or somethin’ anyway you shouldn’t be eatin’ paste, Charlie,” Hurley mumbled from somewhere behind the coffee table.

 _“Head Paste?_ What in the hell is Head Paste?” Sawyer asked as he looked from Hurley to Charlie and back again in amused disbelief.

“I’m not sure, some kinda concoction Locke gave me, he said somethin’ about visions but I really rather just feel . . . high. No visions to speak of,” Charlie said and then moved to put a record on the turntable.

Sawyer winced at the opening strains of _‘Send in the Clowns’_ and moved to take a seat on the arm of the sofa. “Head Paste. Sounds awful, hand it over. Where’s the Doc?”

“He’s transferring,” Hurley said before he tossed the coconut shell full of Head Paste in Sawyer’s general direction. “And it’s not that bad, the Head Paste I mean, kinda fruity with oaken overtones.”

“Not too much, Sawyer, Locke said that stuff could snap your brain in two,” Charlie said, watching the grooves of the record as they spun around.

“And you took it anyway? And transferring what?” Sawyer asked as he took some himself, swirling one finger around edge of the coconut and then sticking it into his mouth with no hesitation. He sucked hard and then tilted his head as if considering the taste, then nodded and scooped out some more.

“Yeah, I figured what the hell, not like I’ve got anything better to do, is it?” Charlie said, now scowling as he watched the record turn.

“Uh-oh. Trouble in lovely little Mamacita-land?” Sawyer asked and then flung himself back hard on to the couch.

“Forget it,” Charlie muttered. “Anyway, Hurley, I’m addicted to heroin, not Head Paste, I think it’s safe enough for the one time.”

“Whatever, dude, you’re an adult and English and stuff so you can make your own decisions and Jack is transferring _you,_ Sawyer, he’s been doin’ that every day since you got outta bed.”

“Transferrin’ me _where?”_

“On to the firewood ‘cause see, he’s like, pissed at you or somethin’ and so he goes out and takes out his anger on innocent dead wood that didn’t do nothin’ to him and since that was like your job he’s transferring you on to all that wood, yep, textbook case, chop chop chop DEAD.”

“Pissed at _me?_ What in the hell did I do?” Sawyer grumbled as he stared at the back of his own hand.

“Do you really want to get into that? ‘Cause we could go on all night,” Charlie said and then his knees gave way due to dizziness and he toppled over heavily.

“Not really,” Sawyer grumbled. “Well, fuck him, then, I’ll change my own goddamned Band-Aid. Who’s pushing the button?”

“Vincent.”

_“What?"_

“Seriously, that’s one smart dog, he comes in here and barks when it’s time to enter those creepy ass numbers and then we go do it but don’t tell Jack I don’t need him transferring _me_ and OH MY GOD CHARLIE, _CLOWNS?_ TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF I fuckin’ _hate_ clowns, dude, come on, if I end up dead like Boone ‘cause the evil island clowns eat me and shove me in a plane that falls off a cliff buried in evil clown heroin I am so gonna kill you!”

“Evil island clowns. Somehow, I wouldn’t doubt it,” Sawyer said, frowning as he considered the topic of evil island clowns. “I bet they’re all over the damned place, all evil tiny clown cars and evil clown teeth and fake flowers that squirt acid instead of water and your face melts right off.”

“Dude. I so hate you.”

“No you don’t everybody _loves_ me now Kate said so neener.”

“Neener? Kate said ‘neener?’ I would’ve figured her more for the ‘nanny nanny boo boo’ stickin’ out your tongue type and anyways not _everybody_ loves you ‘cause Jack’s out there choppin’ you into splinters for the fire.”

“Asshole,” Sawyer muttered. “Change my own goddamned Band-Aid big ol’ neener to him too I’ll show him try to throw my ass in the fire I’d like to see him fuckin’ try asshole.”

“Think there’s any porn around here?” Charlie asked, pushing himself on to all fours and swaying slightly. “I mean, surely they didn’t use that projector just for that . . . that . . . that scary thing with the scary guy sayin’ scary things about the evil clown button that does fuck all.”

“Porn. I bet it’s evil island clown porn, nothin’ worse than havin’ an evil island clown melt your face off than watchin’ evil island clowns fuck,” Sawyer said quite seriously and then shuddered dramatically in distaste. “Ewww.”

“Dude, yeah, _ewww_ and I really _do_ hate you now and I’m gonna go ask Jack if he needs help choppin’ you into tiny pieces _evil island clowns fucking_ was that necessary, really, ‘cause now that’s all I can see, evil island clowns fucking and that’s just _wrong.”_

“What in the hell is going on here?” Jack said from the doorway, sweaty and breathless and glaring at each of them in turn.

“CHEESE IT IT’S THE COPS ACT STRAIGHT!” Hurley bellowed and hauled himself to a sitting position while Sawyer dove behind him for protection and Charlie collapsed into a heap on the floor.

“Uh, nothin’ goin’ on here, just music and chit-chat and stuff hey Jack you didn’t see any clowns out there, didja?”

Jack rolled his eyes and sighed heavily in irritation. “Clowns.”

“Yeah, evil island clowns.”

“Evil island clowns, no, Hurley, I did not see any evil island clowns. I’m going to kill Locke for giving you that shit and then kill you for taking it while you’re on shift. But first, Sawyer, come on and let me change that bandage so I can get back here and take over since these two have been eating paste,” Jack muttered and then heaved a put-upon sigh and glared some more.

“We’re not impaired, dude, besides Vincent’s got it covered and I’m not movin’.” Hurley stared at Jack and crossed his arms resolutely. _“Clowns.”_

“Vincent. Jesus,” Jack grumbled in exasperation and ran one hand over his face. “Sawyer, come on, I’ve got just enough time before I have to enter the code. Somehow I doubt _Vincent_ can type.”

“Ain’t goin’ anywhere with you, asshole, try to chop me into pieces and throw me in the stupid fire fuck off change my own goddamned Band-Aid then _I’ll_ transfer the everlovin’ HELL OUTTA _YOU!”_ Sawyer yelled and then slunk down lower behind Hurley and sulked.

_“What?"_

“Told him about the transference thing. Sawyer, dude, I know we’re all supposed to love you now and whatever except for Jack but you are like _way_ in my personal space and I don’t think I like the idea of bein’ used as a human shield ‘cause Jack looks super pissed and I’m kinda scared, actually, even more scared of him than of the evil island clowns Jack you didn’t bring that axe in here didja?”

Jack clapped a hand over his mouth as he grinned in spite of himself and actually found himself on the verge of laughter as they all looked at him warily, Sawyer peeking over Hurley’s shoulder and glowering at Jack. Or more specifically, glowering somewhere far to Jack’s left.

 _“John!”_ Jack shouted when he heard the door to the hatch open and then he did muffle a laugh when Charlie and Hurley and Sawyer jumped in unison, three sets of eyes wide.

“I know, I know, Jack, I’ve got it,” Locke said as he walked past them toward the computer. “I take full responsibility, I gave Charlie the wrong mixture. But I didn’t expect him to take it on shift, much less share it.”

“Yeah, right, fine, it’s _my_ fault, every other bloody thing is _my_ fault I think I’m ready to do a bit of transferrin’ myself and then I’m gonna watch the clown porn so double neener to you _ALL!”_

“Clown porn,” Jack repeated and then turned slightly so they wouldn’t see him grin.

“Idiots,” Locke muttered and then stalked down the length of hallway. “Down, Vincent, I’ll take it from here.”

“Woof!”

“I know, Vincent, I know,” Locke said and Jack shook his head in disbelief.

Hurley looked at Jack in cross-eyed triumph. “See? Toldja Vincent had it covered anyway don’t transfer us Jack ‘cause if it wasn’t for us who would have to order around and make a stupid army out of, huh? Anyway, clowns, we’re stayin’ here ‘til they’re gone and you can’t make us leave neener.”

“Neener,” Jack said, sighing again.

“Dude, is there an echo in here?” Hurley asked Charlie, who rolled over on to his back and crossed his arms and scowled at the ceiling.

Jack sighed once more and hoped he wouldn’t hyperventilate before all this was over. “Sawyer – ”

“Hell no get away from me everybody loves me but _you_ so you suck and I hate you and I’m not gonna let you drag me off and chop me up I bet you’re in it with the damned clowns, ain’t you?”

“No, Sawyer, I am _not_ in with the evil island clowns and I am _not_ going to chop you up, I just want to change that bandage, I swear,” Jack said, holding up his hands to prove he had neither axe nor clown white.

Sawyer eyed him suspiciously, or tried to, over Hurley’s shoulder. “Do I get a lollipop?”

“Hey, I wanna lollipop! Who’s got lollipops Jack you been hoardin’ lollipops?” Hurley asked.

 _“Everybody_ gets a lollipop,” Jack lied. “Sawyer, come on.”

“Say you love me,” Sawyer ordered and Hurley and Charlie dissolved into a fit of giggles. “I MEAN IT SAY YOU LOVE ME YOU ASSHOLE!”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Jack muttered, covering his eyes with one hand.

“Jack, just say it, the sooner he gets that bandage changed the sooner he’ll get out of here and then we can get Sayid to take care of the other two,” Locke yelled down the hallway.

 _“WHAT?"_ Hurley and Charlie bellowed simultaneously.

“I’m already on it,” Sayid said, appearing at Jack’s side and smiling malevolently at Hurley and Charlie as he twirled a pointy stick like a baton.

“Dude, Sayid’s an evil island clown, I fuckin’ _knew_ it!” Hurley hissed at Charlie. “Sayid, you melt my face off or make me watch clown porn and I’ll kill you . . . _somehow._ With my brain, maybe, I could do that, I bet, or my eyes, I got mad skillz.”

Hurley’s face screwed up tight as he tried to kill Sayid with his eyes.

“Hurley, you might be more successful if you were actually looking at _me_ and not at that vase,” Sayid said and rolled his own eyes.

“Shut up, dude, this is just practice and you’re messin’ up my concentration.”

“TELL ME YOU LOVE ME DOC OR I DAMN WELL AIN’T GOIN’ ANYWHERE! _EVER!_ ”

“Jack, did somebody slip _us_ Head Paste? Because this is all beginning to feel rather surreal,” Sayid said.

“No shit,” Jack muttered wearily. “Sawyer, I LOVE YOU, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

At that everybody in the room giggled and Jack scowled and was further infuriated when he heard Locke snickering down the hallway.

“Well, Jesus Christ, Doc, you don’t have to fuckin’ yell about it, I’m comin’, I’m comin’,” Sawyer said, smirking as he hauled himself to his feet unsteadily. He tripped over Hurley and regained his balance long enough to take two steps and then he started to list heavily to his left and Jack cursed and moved forward and caught him before he could fall on his bad shoulder.

“Thanks, Doc,” Sawyer murmured, wrapping his arms around Jack’s neck as Jack rolled his eyes and began dragging him out of the room. “I love you, too!”

Jack again rolled his eyes as he dragged Sawyer in the direction of the bedroom. “Saw-MMMMMF!”

Jack stumbled as Sawyer thrust one Head Paste-coated finger into his mouth and before he could stop himself he swallowed reflexively and then managed to jerk his head hard enough to dislodge Sawyer’s finger. “Dammit, Sawyer!”

“Kiss me,” Sawyer ordered as he shoved his face into Jack’s. “Or suck on my finger some more, I liked that.”

“Jesus, just sit down,” Jack muttered and shoved Sawyer in the direction of the lower bunk before sticking his head back out of the bedroom door. “John!”

“It’ll wear off in a few hours, Jack, I’ve got it until then,” Locke called back.

Jack sighed in irritation, he hated it when Locke read his mind, and then he stepped back into the bedroom and slammed the door shut before stalking towards Sawyer. “Shirt off, Sawyer, I’ve got to hurry before this shit kicks in, you asshole.”

 _“Asshole?_ Does that mean we’re breakin’ up already?” Sawyer asked mournfully and then snickered when Jack yanked at the snaps of his shirt. “Guess not if you’re in such a hurry to get me naked.”

Jack scowled and ignored him and went to work quickly on Sawyer’s shoulder as Sawyer rambled about clowns and porn and transferring and then, to Jack’s great surprise, about how much he loved Jack’s eyes and chest and the way he smelled.

“Careful, Sawyer, you don’t want Kate to know you’re coming on to me, do you?” Jack grumbled and then pushed himself away with a sigh. “There, you’re done, free to go.”

“Can’t, legs aren’t workin’,” Sawyer said and fell back on to the bunk and pulled Jack with him. “Why would Kate give a shit, anyway? Unless she wanted to watch, bet she would, she’s a saucy thing, HEY! Let’s charge her. To watch, bet we’d make a FORTUNE!”

“Sawyer – ” Jack said and then stopped himself when he heard a hint of whine creeping into his voice and instead focused on freeing himself from Sawyer’s grip, a difficult task now that his own muscles were turning to jelly.

“Why were you choppin’ me up, you dickhead?” Sawyer mumbled and Jack gave up, already exhausted from the lack of sleep and exertion and he collapsed on top of Sawyer heavily, the side of his face resting on Sawyer’s shoulder.

“Because you’re an asshole and a bastard and a complete son of a bitch and you’re beautiful and you said you _loved_ her and you suck in a bad not in a fun good sexy way and because you’re an asshole and a bastard and an idiot and you’ve made my life a living hell because you’re so fucking close but I can’t touch you even though I am right now but that doesn’t count because you’re an asshole and a bastard and a complete son of a bitch and all I want to do is fuck you but you said you _loved_ her, you asshole, and you said I was conspiring with the clowns and I’m so NOT!” Jack grumbled and then yawned widely.

“I don’t love nobody and you’re a bigger asshole and a bigger bastard and a bigger complete son of a bitch and I want you to fuck me and it’s about damn time you asked and did you say I’m beautiful? ‘Cause I damn sure am, I’m the hottest thing this island’s ever seen, no wonder everybody loves me, everybody wants a piece of Sawyer, even the fuckin’ evil island clowns. But I don’t do clowns. Just you.”

“Just me.”

“Dude, is there an echo in here?”

“Just me.”

“Dude, there _is_ an echo in here. Yeah, just _you,_ Doc, you idiot, at least I would if you weren’t such an asshole and a bastard and a complete son of a bitch who tried to chop me up and throw me in the fire sometimes I think you’re blind as a damned bat and if I see you with that tiny ball of bitch again I’ll kill you ‘cause now I’m fucked up and can say whatever I want and now I’m sayin’ that you are _mine_ and I’ll fuckin’ fight the clown or bitch that says different, even you, and you’re the biggest king clown bitch of them all and uptight and grouchy besides.”

Jack found himself laughing so hard he was crying and then Sawyer was laughing, too, and they struggled to align eyes and mouths but they were both too weak to move, so they gave up and fell asleep mid-giggle.

***

Jack didn’t think about it when he was roused from a heavy sleep by the touch of Sawyer’s hands, warm and rough as they slipped under Jack’s t-shirt and across his back.

He didn’t think, he just moved, mouth sliding wetly against Sawyer’s as he tasted and felt and positioned himself with ease between Sawyer’s thighs and propped himself up with his hands as he ground against Sawyer hard and fast, groaning low and deep against Sawyer’s mouth at the feel of cock against cock, hot and hard and a deliciously insane sense friction through too many layers of clothing and Sawyer sighed raggedly and arched up against him, met Jack thrust for thrust as his hands cupped Jack’s ass to pull him closer, tighter, urgency and need quickly overwhelming any attempt to move slowly, and Jack held himself up and bit and sucked at Sawyer’s mouth while Sawyer groaned and cursed and worked to remove barriers of denim and cotton and then Sawyer took them both in hand, fist tight around them both as his hand moved in quick, firm strokes and Jack’s back bowed at the feel of it, fire, liquid and molten and gathering deep, a sweet forceful pull of one man into the other and then Jack moved, hips jerking as he pushed himself deeper into Sawyer’s touch and against Sawyer himself and Sawyer’s head fell back and he cursed, urged Jack to move faster and harder and then Jack broke, too soon but still not soon enough and his teeth dug into Sawyer’s neck as he came and Sawyer quickly followed, body jerking up high and hard, heels digging into the bed as he tensed and whispered Jack’s name and Jack felt fluid heat and skin sliding easily against skin until they both collapsed once more.

Sleep again, Jack thought as he buried his face tight against Sawyer’s neck and felt Sawyer’s chest heave as he tried to catch his breath, his movements echoing Jack’s own. Sleep again, Jack thought, and then slower and sweeter next time.

***

Jack propped his head on one hand and stared down at Sawyer through half-closed eyes.

“Still fucked up?” he asked.

“Nope,” Sawyer said and then grinned sleepily.

“Last chance to take it back,” Jack said.

Sawyer sighed. “For fuck’s sake, you _are_ the biggest king clown bitch of them all. I ain’t takin’ _nothin’_ back and neither are you, you asshole.”

“Asshole.”

“Dude, is there an echo in here?” Sawyer whispered, eyes suddenly wide as he mimicked Hurley’s voice and Jack snorted and again buried his face against Sawyer’s neck.

“Head Paste.”

“Best thing Mr. Clean ever did for us.”

“I guess so,” Jack murmured, smiling slightly, and then he sighed as Sawyer forced him on to his back and this time it was slower and it was sweeter and it happened time and time again after that.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Except for the evil island clowns. But who cares about them? They’re _clowns._

***

The End


End file.
